And there’s still more. . .

I have to say the hate list has helped me tremendously lately. It really was a freeing experience for me and I feel so at peace lately.  Maybe it was just putting it into words, thinking long and hard about what this woman did and how it has affected me.  She truly opened my eyes, because I used to believe that people were basically good inside.  I now look at people a little different, a little more skeptical perhaps.  I realize that evil – true evil- does exist and walks among us dressed as people like Diane or all the other “OTHER” people that have inflicted so much hurt and pain on so many.  I admit that I had to take a good long look at myself and work on the issues that had made me close myself off to love in my marriage.  Some were hurts and disappointments  caused by my husband, and some were changes in my own self that I had to make – such as learning to control my emotions, speak rationally when something bothered me and yet not be afraid to show my feelings.  These were changes that I needed to make outside of my marriage too.  I’ve certainly learned alot and grown tremendously during the last year.  I feel like I have aged SO much too, yet I somehow still lack the wisdom that comes with it.  In the end, it’s just one more reason why I hate Diane.  I see myself adding to the list often.  As wrong as it may be, it makes me feel good.

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Not guilty does not mean innocent . . .

So like most people I was SHOCKED to hear that Casey Anthony would get off practically scott free for the murder of her daughter.  I have studied law and I realize that a jury cannot convict someone if they have a reasonable doubt and without a medical examiner being able to say how the child died, it is understandable that they could not convict her.  Yet she does not act like one that is innocent.  Her actions after her child’s death lead many, including me, to believe that she did in fact murder that child.  It is a sad horrible thing.  I don’t understand how people do such things, especially to their own children.  God help her for one day she will face the ultimate judge.  It seems like everytime I hear about a story like this, I am reminded of the woman who almost destroyed my life and quite possibly still could.  True Diane did not murder her own children, but she damn near destroyed mine.  True she was not guilty of sleeping with my husband, but I believe that was only a matter of time.  I have been doing fairly well lately keeping the negative thoughts out of my life, but I feel like I’m on the edge of the flood gates opening wide.  Stories of people that have no conscience remind me so much of Diane and the hatred and angry I feel for her come right back.  I hate that.

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It’s baaaack . . .

The anger is back.  I thought I had magically gotten rid of any and all thoughts, feelings and emotions over the situation, but it just went to sleep temporarily.  I went to visit my husband for a long weekend.  It was great, but all I could think about was how last summer I went to visit and thought our time was special and meant something, but then I no sooner boarded a plane home and he fell in love with another woman.  And that really pisses me off.  Because once again I am left feeling that I don’t truly know this man I have been married to for over 20 years, not really at all.  What does he think when I’m gone.  Or does he think, because sometimes I feel like he has swept this whole thing under the rug and acts like it never even happened.  Tells me I’m the only one he’s ever wanted and knew the minute he saw me that he was going to marry me.  Really?  Is that what went through your mind when you were telling Diane what a bitch you were married to and how you couldn’t stand her.   Really, I wish it were that easy for me.  But somehow it’s ironic that even though I’m not the one who screwed someone over,  I’m the one who will live with the guilt for the rest of my life.  How’s that happen?  Do all betrayers have the ability to forget or is it  a man thing?  I’m curious, because I’d really like to have this memory lapse and more than anything I wish I could go back in time to when she first started pursuing my husband.  I wish I could have known and I wish I could have confronted her.  Maybe then I’d feel some closure, but the only way to communicate with her now is telepathically,  and that’s another gift I just don’t have.  Damn!

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Pray

I haven’t been blogging nearly as much lately.  Sorry.  In addition to working myself to death,  there are days when I don’t even check the regular sites, like emotionalaffair.org because I just don’t want to think about or analyze it anymore.  It is what it is.  It happened and I cannot change it.  I still have days when the depression hits me hard but mostly I mutter on through.  I just found out that someone I went to high school with committed suicide over the weekend leaving behind a wife and three kids. Up until last year I never would have been able to understand someone doing that, but now I know that kind of hopelessness and brokeness.  I feel very blessed that I was able to get the help I needed during that time of my life and feel very fortunate that suicide was never an option to me.  I could never to do that to my kids.  My brother said that this couple was having financial problems and I know all to well that that goes hand in hand with marital problems.  I guess that’s why I am suddenly getting very nervous for our immediate future.  My husband’s contract ends in 8 weeks.  I am praying that he finds another more permanent job before then because I don’t want to have to go through the strain of financial problems on our marriage again.  But mostly, I just feel so sorry for this family whose lives are shattered.  So sorry that the signs were either hidden or ignored.  So sorry that someone felt that kind of pain that they put their young kids through such trauma.  Nothing to do now but pray.  God bless these people.

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Her Diamonds All Fall Down . . .

I noticed something not too long ago that I thought was pretty metaphoric for what was happening in my marriage.  I have a band that wraps around my engagement ring that has 12 teeny tiny little diamonds in it. I noticed quite a few years ago that one of the stones fell out but recently 2 more are missing.  In my head I keep hearing the Rob Thomas song Her Diamonds and I often wonder if they fell out dramatically as Diane inched her way in further and further into my husband’s life.  It’s almost like they represent the unraveling of my marriage.  The problem is, I don’t know if I want to fill the empty space. It’s almost a daily reminder of what we have been through, a daily reminder to never let my marriage get to the point that it was that allowed the wanna be bitch the opportunity she saw and took advantage of.  I know now that communication is the key, yet there is still so much that I don’t communicate.  This blog contains my most private thoughts, the ones that I don’t say out loud to my husband because I don’t think he will understand how I can still be struggling so much with all of this and I don’t want to move us backwards yet again.  We actually stopped going to therapy because he felt that it kept moving us two steps back when we’re trying to go forward.  Personally, I think it was just a bad counselor, but I’ve done so much soul searching these last eight months and recognize those things that have caused me to close myself off – mostly fear.  Fear’s a funny thing, because it can either hold you back from experiencing life, or it can inspire to do and become things you never dreamed possible.  I’m working hard to harness my fear into the latter camp, but it’s a tough road.  What I need to remind myself is that I already survived the single most devastating event of my life.  Fear keeps me closed off in case it happens again, but true growth happens with the realization that even if it does happen again, I have the strength to survive.

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So yesterday sucked. . .

Yesterday was a bad day – for me.  For everyone else in my household it seemed to be fine.  Nobody really even noticed that I had spent every private moment in tears or that I took a long hot shower just so I could silently scream and let it all out.  And why?  What exactly do I need to let out?  I don’t even think I know the answer to that.  I guess more than anything I’m sick and tired of thinking so much about everything.  Why does everything require so much thought?  I just feel so disconnected and I’m not even sure why. I can’t seem to concentrate and I’m not staying very busy – just searching other blogs to reaffirm that I’m not insane, but that just makes me feel more sad that other people are going through this too.  It’s like I’m searching for answers to questions that aren’t there.  So for today, I’m going to not put much thought into anything.  I’m going to realize that I will never know why this happened, and I will not drive myself crazy with what would have happened if Diane had not been murdered by her husband.  Yes, my husband probably would have left me, and I would be feeling the same things I’m feeling now – wondering what it would have been like if she’d never come into our lives.  I guess I struggle with finding a purpose for the turmoil.  I do believe everything happens for a reason.  Maybe this is what I needed to realize just how independent I could be and that no matter what happens, I will be ok and I will make sure that my kids are ok.  I have found strength and perseverance that I didn’t even know I had.  Funny how that works.  So today, I’m just going to keep on keeping on.  We’ll see what happens.

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The “why” question . . .

Throughout the last 8 months, I have found strength that I didn’t know I had.  And maybe, just maybe that is why this challenge came into my life.  I think the first thing that I asked when I found out about my husband’s emotional affair was “Why?”.  It’s a question I think we all ask and even when we’ve heard the answer a hundred times we will still ask it some more, maybe not to them but in the quiet of our heart when the pain swells with tears. I ask it to myself over and over again. I get stuck in the mentality of “Why me?”  when I guess I should be asking “Why not me?” .  Everyone has struggles in life and some are certainly worse than others.  This is my struggle.  And I have let it define me for most of these eight months.  I have given in to the anger, the hatred, the negativity, the depression, the low self esteem and the poor me mindset one too many times.  This was a horrible thing that happened.  It hurts and probably always will, but I made it through the first few weeks, which were undoubtedly the hardest.  Every day is a little easier and my marriage is certainly in a better place today than it has been in years.  Though I still don’t think I would say without a doubt that our marriage will continue to overcome this.  But that’s thing.  There are no guarantees.  I never used to consider divorce an option, I now realize that it is a choice one makes and it is always an option.  And I now know that I do have the strength to make it on my own.  Every day I get a little stronger and I know that whatever comes my way, I will survive.  I have to.  I thank God every day for bringing my kids into my life.  They inspire me to be the best I can be and I will do anything to make sure they have a happy life.  When I think about how someone almost succeeded in tearing apart their family, it makes me angry all over again.  I don’t really care how much this affair hurt me, what makes me crazy is how it would affect my kids if they knew.  I know I still have alot of work to do to “get over” that aspect of it.  Affairs hurt way more than just your spouse.  I don’t know how my own husband could have been so self centered.  I also don’t understand how Diane was either.  I can’t comprehend imposing that kind of chaos into my kid’s life and I have zero respect for her as a mother because of it.  Something inside of me died when my husband and Diane decided to have a “friendship”.  Now I find myself grieving for the life I thought I had and struggling to make it real.

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The Blame Game

We had a really great weekend with friends and family visiting.  I think it does a marriage good to associate with people that have been married a long time and value marriage.  I sometimes think that if we had still been living near these friends, we might never have had to deal with the likes of Diane.  There were times over the weekend that I thought of her and the negative thoughts tried to creep in, but it didn’t last long and I was able to overcome it. Mostly, I felt like telling everyone our dirty little secret but I realized I would just be playing the victim and still it would not change what happened.  I am beginning to accept that thought, truly embrace it.  I CAN NEVER CHANGE WHAT HAPPENED.  Diane came into my husband’s life and a part of our lives will never be the same because of her.  As easy as it sounds to just move forward, appreciate how far we’ve come and let her rest in peace, I know that there will always be days when I will not be able to do that.    So I realize that I really need to stop dwelling on how much I was wronged and realize that the whole situation happened, cannot be changed and somehow I have to find a way to stop feeling like I need vindication.  No matter who knows about this, everyone would agree that it was wrong.  There is no doubt about that.  As innocent as I would like to believe that I am in this, I did have a part in it, not so much that I compromised my integrity and character the way my husband and Diane did, but enough to realize that if I had behaved differently, Diane wouldn’t have stood a chance.  There will always be enough blame to go around for everyone.  Some deserve more than others, but blame doesn’t change the situation now.  It’s a battle, an everyday battle.  Some days I forget my armour . . .

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Stop! I want off the roller coaster . . .

I sometimes wonder when this roller coast ride will end.  It was a shitty homecoming.  He definitely thought that I was acting this way to punish him and that he had know right to speak up when something bothered him.  I told him he was wrong.  He has every right to speak up when something bothers him, but if it is not done in a respectful way, well, I refuse to be treated like that.  I think maybe it was an eye opener for him that I will absolutely not tolerate being treated with anything less than the utmost respect.  It’s an absolute deal breaker for me!  You see,  I was the one who was blamed for the whole affair.  I was the one who led him to Diane because I talked down to him and treated him like one of the kids.  I think at times he begins to see that they way I treated him was a direct reflection of the way I was being treated.  Yet, no sense pointing fingers at who started this whole thing, the important thing is that we move forward learning something from this heartache.  After a long night of hurtful words and many tears, he understood why I was so angry and hurt and apologized for the way he talked to me. He assumed that this was punishment but I am not punishing him.  As much as I would like to sometimes, I have worked very hard to make sure that I communicate with him in a way that makes him feel respected and loved.  I do not bring up Diane at all, although the thought of throwing in a sarcastic “Is this the way you would have spoken to her?” does pop into my head every now and then.  

I wish I could get off this roller coast.  One day things are great, the next day it’s back to square one.  I’ve read it takes 3-5 YEARS to fully recover from something like this and that there will ups and downs along the way.  Just when I think I have it figured out, something happens to make me doubt things all over again and 3-5 years feels more like a prison sentence than a recovery process.  I will not give up.  As much as I sometimes feel like waving the surrender flag, I will not give up that easily-   I just need something to help with the motion sickness of this roller coast ride called life.

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I’m a liar too!

I’ve been lying to the people I love most in this world for quite some time.  I’ve been lying to every single friend and every single acquaintance.  Every time I am asked “How are you?”, I smile and say “Very good, thank you!”  I pretend that I am fine, happy even, when inside I know that I am not.  And I wonder if I ever will be.  As the song goes, I’ve learned to live half alive.  But why?  Why can’t I be happy.  I always thought I was, but I realized 6 months ago how utterly sad I could be and continue to be.  I’ve been reading so many blogs, and it just feels like everyone has this same struggle, I feel so much of people’s pain and sadness in their writings and it makes me cry.   I look back at my own writings, and I see that I had days when I was on top of the world and I think I did feel happiness then, but those days seem long gone.   I hate this person that I’ve become.

I remember how, even when my dad was so sick and in constant pain near the end of his life, when people would ask him how he was, he’d say he was ok.  Maybe that’s where I learned to lie. 

I should be happy.  I have a great family, nice house.  Unlike most people, I don’t have to deal with the other person still in our lives.  Most of the cheated upons say that they wish the other person were dead, and I have that.  She’s gone, six feet under and no more to bother me or my family, suffering the fate of someone who manipulated and tortured her husband until he cracked, and sent her to her final resting place.  I should be thrilled.  She suffered the ultimate punishment, and yet I continue to dwell on so many things about her.  It shouldn’t bother me.  For as deep as they thought their feelings were for each other, my husband got over her in no time.  One night of crying and that was it, she was gone.  Therapy continued to convince him how mentally unstable she was and how she was using and manipulating him.  He’s over her (I think), regrets he ever had a relationship with her (I hope), can’t believe he couldn’t see it and feels like a fool for falling for her crap.  He’s glad they only had a relationship through texts, emails and phone calls and never met in person (though to me this is denial that this was an affair –  IT WAS).  Loves me completely and says he is very happy.  That makes me feel worse.  I’m a fraud.  I have a great life, marriage and family and yet I have never been more depressed and unhappy. 

I’m a fraud?   . . . . . . . . . No, I’m afraid.  I’m afraid to let myself be over this and be happy, because then I would have nothing left to make me have control.  Nothing.  We’d be on equal ground.  I’d be open to be hurt again, and I know that I can’t handle that.  It’s not forgiveness or closure that I need.  It’s to let go of the fear that’s holding me back.  WOW, I am one messed up individual.  The cowardly lion, searching for my courage, when I’ve had it all along.  It’s here inside me, I just have to let it out.

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