Forgiveness

Well my struggle with forgiveness keeps going on.  I feel like I’ve read all I can on the matter and nothing seems to change my unwillingness to allow it.  And thinking about this time of year and the new life that Easter represents, I wish I could finally release myself from the chains of this whole situation.  I guess if Jesus can forgive Peter for denying him 3 times, ultimately betraying him and yet Jesus still built his church on the rock of Peter.  Peter was sorry for what he had done, but is it necessary for the people to be sorry for betraying you for you to forgive them?  With my husband, I would say yes, I needed to know that there was remorse there.  With Diane, I will never know if there was remorse there, maybe that’s why I find it so hard to forgive her.  I know that forgiveness has nothing to do with pardoning the action or the person really.  It is more to do with myself than anything with Diane.  She chose her path in life and has to live with the ramifications of that, and whether or not I ever forgive her will not change her fate.  But I just can’t release it, at times I think I can, but then I go right back to the hate and anger for this person and I wonder if I will ever be able to let it go and release myself from letting this hold me back.

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Who needs instructions?

So I’ve been reading another book on recovering from betrayal.  Some good advice, but nothing earth shattering, nothing that has changed my life.  In my head I know I need to let things go, in my heart it’s just not happening.  I know a woman that is so bitter, I can’t even stand being around her.  She divorced decades ago and yet you would think it was just yesterday, the bitterness is still there.  I know that kind of pain and hurt.  I know it very well.  I wish this woman had gotten some serious help because then she might not have the problems she has with her family – nobody enjoys being around someone that holds onto that bitterness and I really think it has affected her health and well being.  I look at her and I don’t want to be her.  I don’t want  that in my life. I feel such sadness and pity for her, yet I’ve also been a victim of her bitterness and it’s made me distance myself from her as well.  I don’t want to be like that.  I don’t want to carry this baggage with me where ever I go.  But how do you let it go?  How do I leave Diane and who my husband was then in the past and move on to peace and happiness when I know in the back of my head that someone I never even met had the power over my husband to almost convince him to leave.  I cannot understand that kind of deceit and manipulation.  How do I let go of that?  How do I do that? I’m looking for the manual on that.

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Sometimes I hear words come out of my mouth, and I just can’t believe I’m saying them.  For instance, the other day I was lecturing, I mean talking, to my kids about this person that they do not like.  I was telling them that they do not have to like this person, but they do have to treat this person how they would want to be treated and that all people deserve that.  Looking back on that now, I can clearly see that I definitely would not take my own advice with regards to the other woman.  It bothers me to feel this way when I absolutely forbid my kids to walk around filled with hatred.  I tell them not to let this person have that kind of control over them, that this person must have some serious problems to act that way, etc. etc.  Yet, when the situation applies to HER, I just can’t do it.  I’m not there yet.  I HATE her, plain and simple.  I HATE everything she did and everything she stood for.  I HATE the fake family pictures she posted on Facebook when clearly her family life was so CRAZY.  I HATE that people thought she was a good person and most of all, I HATE that HE thought she was a good person, and still might in the back of his mind.  I HATE that I feel this.  I know that hate consumes you and makes you someone you don’t want to be.  So once and for all, I will say this and move on.  I HATE DIANE. 

 But thankfully, I now LOVE my husband.

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Why did I need to know?

The folks over at emotionalaffairjourney.org asked the question in their blog about why do spouses need to know details about their significant other’s affair?  Does it help or not?  For me, I wanted to know as much as possible at first – every single detail of every conversation.  I wanted to know how you go from “Hi, it’s been 22 years, how’s it going” to “we should meet up sometime”.  I pictured myself doing all the mundane tasks of raising my kids and taking care of my home, while they were on the phone talking about how they wanted to get away from it all.  I don’t think she was taking care of her kids needs when she was flirting with my husband and I don’t think his life was all that bad working out of state not having to be the one displining, feeding, transporting and parenting our kids, with hotel maid service provided and every meal eaten out.   What I was searching for was vindication. I know that the other person only wants to show your spouse their wonderful side and what I wanted was for him to realize that it was a fantasy that they created and not what real love is all about. Not sure if I succeeded in that, but marriage counseling did help at first because she made my husband realize that he needs to answer any questions I have when I have them for as long as I need to ask them, even if he’s answered them a hundred times before. She really made him realize very quickly how dysfunctional his relationship was with this woman and how dysfunctional this woman was. My spouse doesn’t always want to continue to talk about it. To him it’s over and done and in the past where he’d like to leave it because he doesn’t want to hurt me again, but for the betrayed there’s no such as “being hurt again”. The hurt is always there and will always be there, it’s how we choose to live with it that makes it better or worse.

I’ve come to the realization that I will never know all the details of their relationship. I will never know every conversation, text or email they shared, and some days that’s a hard pill to swallow. Other days I remind myself that it doesn’t matter, it’s over and done and all it really was was a fantasy that they created and something that could never compare with the love that a husband and wife share as they journey through life and raise a family together. When I see old people out and about holding hands and helping each other walk, I think that is the most beautiful thing and that is what true love is all about – not some fantasy of the perfect companion, but someone who will be there to take care of you as time takes it toll on our bodies. It’s not always pretty and fun, and sometimes you just can’t seem to agree and don’t feel fulfilled.  But, when you make a commitment to love, honor and cherish someone for life, DO IT!   I don’t know, maybe that’s just my fantasy, but that’s what I’m working towards – a lasting love, one that’s real and true. That’s something the other woman could never be.

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One size fits all?

I don’t think that there’s any one answer on how to deal with finding out about a spouse turning to another person for comfort and companionship.  It hurts like hell and every person has to make their own choice on whether or not it is in their best interest to remain in the relationship and whether or not the relationship could even be salvaged.  My story is different than most, because in my case the other woman is no longer living, and I don’t have to deal with her ever coming back into our lives – and just in case you’re wondering, it had nothing to do with me or my spouse.  She and her spouse had a very dysfunctional relationship that tragically ended in a murder/suicide.  Another reason that I don’t think my husband truly saw her for the person that she was.  She was a master manipulator and she placed people in her life for her own purposes.  I don’t know what purpose my husband fulfilled, though I assume she saw in him what she did not have in own husband and chose to use him to make him jealous and/or to torture him.  I don’t know but my therapist has certainly made me see how dangerous their relationship was and she even feels that if it had continued it would have caused serious psychological damage to my husband and quite possibly could have caused him his life. While her death was tragic, I would be lying if I said that I am not glad that she is not in our lives; she was an evil, sinister person and was able to hide that very well from her family and friends.  It almost killed me to read what people wrote about her after her death, they were truly deceived.    Anyway, my point is that we all have are own stories.  They are all different, but what they all share is that a person made a choice that will forever have consequences.  The choice is yours in how you plan on dealing with these consequences.  I know for me it was a matter of tearing down walls I had built for years.  By no means do I accept sole responsibility for why this happened, but I see the changes I need to make in me FOR ME.  In doing that, I am becoming a stronger, confident person.  I realize that the choice is mine in whether or not I stay in this marriage and I realize that I can only expect to get out of it what I am willing to put into it.  Sometimes its scary because you don’t want to take the chance of being hurt again.  But other times it feels so completely freeing to be able to leap off the cliff and realize that whatever happens, I will find a way to deal with it.  Putting positive thoughts out there really does help bring those positive feelings back to you.  Doing things that make me feel good and that better me have really helped too.  I accept that I will still have days that I will wallow in self-pity, but those days are becoming farther apart.  Time will not heal this wound, there will always be a scar.  But, like wrinkles, I’ve earned this scar  and it has made me who I am today.  I hope you all find what works for YOU!

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