I’ve been lying to the people I love most in this world for quite some time. I’ve been lying to every single friend and every single acquaintance. Every time I am asked “How are you?”, I smile and say “Very good, thank you!” I pretend that I am fine, happy even, when inside I know that I am not. And I wonder if I ever will be. As the song goes, I’ve learned to live half alive. But why? Why can’t I be happy. I always thought I was, but I realized 6 months ago how utterly sad I could be and continue to be. I’ve been reading so many blogs, and it just feels like everyone has this same struggle, I feel so much of people’s pain and sadness in their writings and it makes me cry. I look back at my own writings, and I see that I had days when I was on top of the world and I think I did feel happiness then, but those days seem long gone. I hate this person that I’ve become.
I remember how, even when my dad was so sick and in constant pain near the end of his life, when people would ask him how he was, he’d say he was ok. Maybe that’s where I learned to lie.
I should be happy. I have a great family, nice house. Unlike most people, I don’t have to deal with the other person still in our lives. Most of the cheated upons say that they wish the other person were dead, and I have that. She’s gone, six feet under and no more to bother me or my family, suffering the fate of someone who manipulated and tortured her husband until he cracked, and sent her to her final resting place. I should be thrilled. She suffered the ultimate punishment, and yet I continue to dwell on so many things about her. It shouldn’t bother me. For as deep as they thought their feelings were for each other, my husband got over her in no time. One night of crying and that was it, she was gone. Therapy continued to convince him how mentally unstable she was and how she was using and manipulating him. He’s over her (I think), regrets he ever had a relationship with her (I hope), can’t believe he couldn’t see it and feels like a fool for falling for her crap. He’s glad they only had a relationship through texts, emails and phone calls and never met in person (though to me this is denial that this was an affair – IT WAS). Loves me completely and says he is very happy. That makes me feel worse. I’m a fraud. I have a great life, marriage and family and yet I have never been more depressed and unhappy.
I’m a fraud? . . . . . . . . . No, I’m afraid. I’m afraid to let myself be over this and be happy, because then I would have nothing left to make me have control. Nothing. We’d be on equal ground. I’d be open to be hurt again, and I know that I can’t handle that. It’s not forgiveness or closure that I need. It’s to let go of the fear that’s holding me back. WOW, I am one messed up individual. The cowardly lion, searching for my courage, when I’ve had it all along. It’s here inside me, I just have to let it out.
alonglifesjourney 