Hope

Of all the traits I’ve learned to master during this whole affair, the one I still struggle with is hope.  I definitely hope that my marriage can survive this thing, and I feel that I am on the right path towards that, yet sometimes I have such doubts for the future.  I tend to think that just maybe I cannot overcome the mistrust and hurt that this betrayal has left behind.  They say communication is key to overcoming these, but it’s almost like I am so tired of having to work so hard on this thing and I’m tired of talking about how I feel.  Who cares how they’ve made me feel.They knew that their actions were going to hurt someone, and when you decide that that is ok, you’ve crossed a line that makes it difficult if not impossible for another person to ever overcome.  And that’s the ironic thing, I end up with feelings of negative self worth and hopelessness when I wasn’t the one willing to throw everything away.  It’s just so damn unfair and I’m so tired of it.  Yet this little voice inside my head says “Reach a little further, you’re almost there!”  That’s the thing about hope, it gives purpose to the pain.  It cheers you on to the finish line when you just want to quit the race.  And while it can’t do anything about the past, it sure can change the future.