Waiting

Slowly the last four or five days, I’ve begun to feel like myself again – at or least the “myself” that I want to be.  Feeling a bit stronger and less emotional.  Not wanting to stay in bed all day, waking up refreshed and happy.  Yet I wait anxiously for tomorrow wondering if once again the uncertainty and heartache will return, like I’m constantly looking over my shoulder.  I try to put things in perspective, I know that I am lucky that it wasn’t a full blown physical affair – yet – as much as that thought should comfort me, it doesn’t.  More than anything I want to know if she ever felt any remorse or guilt for messing with people’s minds the way she did, both her husband’s and my husband’s.  I struggle with feeling so much hate for a woman I never met and never will.  As much as I’m glad she’s gone, I wish I could have spoken to her once before she died, and asked her why.  It’s like I blame her more than my husband.  I can forgive him, but cannot or will not forgive her.  And I wonder if his perception of her is the same or if he’s gone back to thinking that she was the victim in all this – “a good person, a good mother”.  Those words will forever haunt me.  I consider myself a good person, a good mother – great even somedays, but my definition of a good person and a good mother is someone who doesn’t lie and sneak around behind her family’s back.  She betrayed more than just her husband, she betrayed her kids too.  Good mothers don’t do that.  I cannot fathom doing that to my kids.  When I think of the pain it would have caused them to have their parents divorce, I get angry at them all over again.  How dare they put my children in that position.   Why is it in most of the stories I’ve read about those who have cheated, the “other person” is almost always a very dysfunctional individual, claiming they want to “help” your spouse when what they are really doing is manipulating them?  And I wonder what would have happened if she hadn’t died – my heart tells me she would have pulled my husband in further and further until he finally had the courage to leave.  Which is ironic, because I always thought I was the one with the courage to stay.

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Birthday surprises!

I really don’t know why I even for a second doubted whether or not my husband would remember or do anything special for me today, he’s proved and said over and over again how much I mean to him and how sorry he is –  but I guess that’s just the reality of who I have become 😦  I was very surprised to get the most gorgeous arrangement of flowers this morning with a beautiful note as well:)))  I can’t remember the last time he sent me flowers so it is very special to me and I feel very blessed and very foolish that for even one second I would doubt his feelings for me.  I do not like the pathetic, needy, unsure person I see in the mirror and I really would like for her to just go away – gray hairs and all.   I want the girl I used to know to come back, the one that was strong, creative, witty and fun.  The one that didn’t have bags under her eyes from all the crying she does and who doesn’t get a lump in her throat just thinking about things that should be left in the past where they belong.  She thought she could do anything and if anyone ever told her she couldn’t, she’d do it just to prove them wrong.  Where are you?  I so miss you!

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It’s my party and I’ll cry if I want to . . .

Tomorrow’s my birthday and I’ll be spending it alone.  My husband is out of state working until May and my family lives too far away.  One son is off at college and my 2 little ones are too young to be able to surprise me with a cake or anything.  It feels utterly depressing to know that I will be alone.  Part of my pain is that on my husband’s birthday just over 6 months ago, I found out about the other woman.  A part of his birthday is ruined forever for me – I remember how I had mailed packages from me and the kids so he would have something to open on his birthday and made pound cake and sent it so he’d have cake to eat.  I tried so hard to make it special since he would be all alone, and then I found out about HER that afternoon.  And, mostly I just wonder if he’s tried to do anything to make my day special.  I’m just feeling like I’m always doing things to show and tell him how much I love him, but will I get anything in return?  I’m not holding my breath on this one.  Now, off to make my cake!

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Wish I could have been the bride . . .

Still can’t seem to get out of this funk.  The one thing that I can’t get out of my head though:  One of our neighbors is an older gentlemen and he lost his wife last weekend.  The one thing I always admired about him is the way he spoke about his wife.  So respectful, so devoted.  Like he couldn’t wait to get home to her.  It’s sad, he tried to save her – performed CPR until the ambulance arrived, but it was just too late, she was gone. So he’s tying up loose ends, packing up his belongings and taking her back to the sea where she longed to be.  Isn’t that some kind of love?  I guess what makes me think so much about it, is that when the other woman came into my husband’s life, he didn’t speak about me like my neighbor always spoke about his bride (that’s what he always called her!)  I just wish when the opportunity came along, my husband would have spoken about me like that.  Instead I was painted in a very unkind light, my faults were exaggerated to justify his actions, and he rode in to try to save HER.  That’s the hurt I just can’t get over.  Will I ever?

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Big Dose of CRAZY!

I feel like I’ve swallowed a BIG dose of CRAZY lately.  My marriage is going good, great even, yet I still have these feelings of anger towards the other woman (hereafter referred to as MB – manipulative bitch).  I don’t like feeling such feelings of hate and at one point the other day I actually felt like MB was apologizing to me – pretty crazy since she’s dead and all.  (Yes, I’m aware of how wrong this line of thinking is, but that’s what I feel.  I know I should have some empathy and respect for the dead, but for her I don’t).  What bothers me is that I never had the opportunity to confront her before she died, the closest I came was a call from her sister wanting me “to know what kind of man I was married to”.  To which I replied “yes” but did you know what type of sister you were related to?  MB played a huge role in this scenario.  She knew she could manipulate my husband and that he was in a pretty bad place, emotionally.   MB also manipulated and tortured her own husband, which ultimately caused him to lose all control and murder her.  People don’t just snap without a reason.  Anyway, I don’t like feeling this way.  I don’t want her in my thoughts at all, yet I still seem to “go there” for at least a portion of my day.   I don’t want her to have any control over me whatsoever.  I want her to look down from up there (or should I say “look up from down there”) and see my husband and me making love.  I want that image to drive her CRAZY knowing that she will never have what we share.   Apparently, I’m a little too competitive and vindictive.  In actuality I do realize that this is not a competition and I’m not working on my marriage for any other reason than because that is what I want, but I’m not sure exactly what to do about the craziness lately.  Guess I just need to stay a little busier.

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Awkward

So after I found out about the EA, I told only 2 people.  My best friend since elementary school because I knew she had dealt with something similar and my mom – maybe on odd choice for some, but for me my mom’s the kind of mom you can tell anything to and she’ll understand – or maybe I just slipped back into childhood when someone hurt me and I ran to my mom for comfort.  I don’t know – I just know that I needed someone to kiss the boo-boo and make it feel better.  I guess I really expected my best friend to say something along the lines of “the first step is to call an attorney”, etc.  She shocked me by saying just the opposite, that she didn’t think this was a reason to get a divorce and that with time I could get through this.  She mentioned how something will trigger the pain when you least expect it and how that will go on for years. And my mom, well she was upset and disappointed, but said that she admired my husband for his honesty and thought that since it wasn’t a physical affair, I should probably try to work it out before I did anything drastic.   In the past, I was always the type of person that would have said that if I was ever cheated upon, that’s it – no excuses, no nothing, I’m done.  Since D Day, I have shared with one other friend what happened because she was talking about her marriage and how things weren’t going well.  Maybe I thought I could help, I don’t know, but I do regret saying anything now.  She’s definitely me prior  to this whole situation.  She’s doesn’t understand how I could stay with a man that has done this to me, and I guess I just sense the disdain she has for my husband and how weak she thinks I am.  Don’t get me wrong, she’s a great friend and has told no one about my situation and said that she’s not judging anyone, but a comment did slip out one time along the lines of how would you know that this hasn’t happened before in the last 20 years.   It’s a fair question and I can’t explain it.  To others it just seems as though I’m incredibly naive, but I know that this has never happened before and I truly believe it will never happen again, but that doesn’t mean that I’m convinced that our marriage will last forever, there’s still a great part of the time that I wonder if eventually the pain of this will be the end of our marriage.  I wonder if I’ll ever be able to completely get over this or if there will ever be a day when I don’t think about “the secrets” they shared.  Sometimes I think that if I’d been able to confront the OW, it may have given me some closure, but she’s dead and I’ll never get that chance.  Will the ghost of her continue to haunt me for the rest of my life?    Ah, it’s a dreary, cold, foggy day and I’m fighting the urge to “go there”  – sink into my pillow and let the tears flow before anyone gets home.  But no, I can’t let her continue to have that power over me.  And as for what my friend thinks, in the grand scheme of things it really doesn’t matter anymore what anyone else thinks, guess I just find it interesting how your total perspective changes when this happens to you. I’ve become this person I never thought I would be.

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Don’t burst my bubble

Sometimes I wonder how long it will take before my bubble bursts – AGAIN.  Things have been going well having my husband home for a week and a half before he leaves for his out of state job again.  We know how to get along really well when things are going well and we’re feeling good.  But in talking to a friend the other day, I realized that our problem is that we don’t know how to fight well.  My friend says that she and her husband have the most awful knock down, drag out fights, but once they release all that tension it’s almost a contest to see who can be nice first.  With us, we either don’t say what we are feeling or yell and say things out of passion, and then sit and let it stew for days on end.  Eventually we start expressing something and realize that what we each assumed the other was thinking or feeling was wrong.  That we both want the same things, but might disagree on how to get there.  In the mean time, I have had days to assume that this is probably the kind of shit he would have complained about to her, and I automatically go to “if you want out, it’s fine”.  He’s explained to me several times that just because we fight it doesn’t mean he wants a divorce, but it’s hard to get that through your head when it’s always been a threat to me whenever there was a fight.  I’ve never once asked for a divorce, but I’ve been asked for one several times in the last few years.  It hurts, but it shows me that that is a viable option for him, and something I never thought of as a possibility until all of this.  I try to tell myself that it just shows that he has some serious issues that he needs to work on, but then again so do I.  My mom always told me that you should never go to bed angry with each other, but I’ve never been able to just let things go, and I think that is a huge part of our problem.  So, that’s my goal.  I certainly don’t want a fight, but I think I’m ready for when it happens, and I hope that I can get it right this time.   Until then, please steer clear of the path of the bubble, I want to see it soar!

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Henry Ford was right

Henry Ford once said “whether you think you can or think you can’t – you’re right!” (or something along those lines!)  I find them very true in this whole situation.  Alot of what happens after you find out about a spouse having a emotional affair with another, immediately makes you look at yourself and wonder what was wrong with you that made your spouse want to do this to you.  What I’ve learned is that you may have had some problems within your marriage, but it wasn’t your fault that someone cheated on you – it’s your spouses issues that made THEM CHOOSE to do this.  It doesn’t make sense and you can drive yourself crazy trying to figure it out, OR you can CHOOSE to leave it in the past and move on.  If you think you can’t ever get over it – then you’re right!  If you think you can get over it and go on to live a happy life in a fulfilling marriage, then you’re right!  It’s all in how YOU CHOOSE to look at it, that will make the difference between happiness and sadness.  That does not in any way suggest that you should just say “Ah well, you screwed up no big deal, let’s move on!”  What I do suggest is therapy of some sort, whatever works for you to help you work through your emotions and feelings.  I don’t think anyone can go through this without anger, self esteem issues and depression.  There will be some pretty dark days and you really should talk to someone, just get the help you need to pick yourself up, dust yourself off and move on with LIVING.

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Apology

I have to apologize for my posts the last few days.  We went through a rough patch, but got back on track.  I relayed my feelings and he seemed to accept that.  He apologized and we cleared some things up.  Sometimes you have to be very clear and not assume anything.  His attitude was making me feel like I did when the affair was happening and I told him that.  He told me it offended him that I made reference to that and I explained that whether or not it offended him, that is how I felt and I will not apologize for that.  When somebody is distant and hangs up before you are finished speaking, it is the exact same behavior as in Sept. of last year and I won’t tolerate it.  I think it’s important to be clear on what you will and will not tolerate.  I’m not trying to hold anything over his head, but I am at a point that I now know what the symptoms were that led to the affair and I will not allow them back into my life.  I told him that I loved him before I went to bed, something I never would have done in the past when I was mad.  I think more than anything, we have to learn to fight without taking everything personal and he has to learn that when he gets stressed at work, he doesn’t need to bring that drama into our marriage.  I am there to support him, but I cannot tolerate constant negativity.  I will not go into that kind of despair and the effects it has on my physical and mental health cause me to pull away from our relationship.  After all, nobody likes to be around someone who has nothing but negative things to say about everything.  Our finances cause us the most arguments and I think I still need to make it clear that although it is a long road, every month we are getting closer to our goal.  We have to keep our heads up and not let temporary set backs affect us.  He would really like to be able to quit his job before he has another and I don’t agree with that.  I feel that that will only get us further into debt.  I tend to think financially here and he tends to think with emotions here, direct opposite of how any other arguments go.  He blames me for the debt, but I know that I am not the only one that bought stuff when we shouldn’t have.  But, that’s all in the past and we can’t change that, but we can change is how we move forward.  I’m hoping he finally realizes that and we don’t have to keep having the same argument over and over.  It’s a long road, but we’ll get there.

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Why did I need to know?

The folks over at emotionalaffairjourney.org asked the question in their blog about why do spouses need to know details about their significant other’s affair?  Does it help or not?  For me, I wanted to know as much as possible at first – every single detail of every conversation.  I wanted to know how you go from “Hi, it’s been 22 years, how’s it going” to “we should meet up sometime”.  I pictured myself doing all the mundane tasks of raising my kids and taking care of my home, while they were on the phone talking about how they wanted to get away from it all.  I don’t think she was taking care of her kids needs when she was flirting with my husband and I don’t think his life was all that bad working out of state not having to be the one displining, feeding, transporting and parenting our kids, with hotel maid service provided and every meal eaten out.   What I was searching for was vindication. I know that the other person only wants to show your spouse their wonderful side and what I wanted was for him to realize that it was a fantasy that they created and not what real love is all about. Not sure if I succeeded in that, but marriage counseling did help at first because she made my husband realize that he needs to answer any questions I have when I have them for as long as I need to ask them, even if he’s answered them a hundred times before. She really made him realize very quickly how dysfunctional his relationship was with this woman and how dysfunctional this woman was. My spouse doesn’t always want to continue to talk about it. To him it’s over and done and in the past where he’d like to leave it because he doesn’t want to hurt me again, but for the betrayed there’s no such as “being hurt again”. The hurt is always there and will always be there, it’s how we choose to live with it that makes it better or worse.

I’ve come to the realization that I will never know all the details of their relationship. I will never know every conversation, text or email they shared, and some days that’s a hard pill to swallow. Other days I remind myself that it doesn’t matter, it’s over and done and all it really was was a fantasy that they created and something that could never compare with the love that a husband and wife share as they journey through life and raise a family together. When I see old people out and about holding hands and helping each other walk, I think that is the most beautiful thing and that is what true love is all about – not some fantasy of the perfect companion, but someone who will be there to take care of you as time takes it toll on our bodies. It’s not always pretty and fun, and sometimes you just can’t seem to agree and don’t feel fulfilled.  But, when you make a commitment to love, honor and cherish someone for life, DO IT!   I don’t know, maybe that’s just my fantasy, but that’s what I’m working towards – a lasting love, one that’s real and true. That’s something the other woman could never be.

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